15. januar 2010
”Du er for forfængelig til at tage en cykelhjelm på, men du vil gerne ligne en keglekriger fra Muppet Show?” Ja for fanden! Kæresten kigger undrende på mit vinter-cykel outfit, der består af en varm hue og et spraglet halstørklæde bundet om munden og næsen (hvornår opfindes næsehuer?)
Indrømmet, sexet er det sidste, man kan anklage mig for at være, når jeg cykler rundt i frostgrader.
Men jeg kan alligevel ikke nænne at lave Nyrup-finten. Det er nu ikke fordi, at jeg nogensinde har set cykelstien som et scorested, hvor man ligesom lidt kækt kunne falde i snak og kysse eller udveksle numre ved næste lyskryds. Det virker bare for grænseoverskridende selv at skulle trække i en.
Mine forældre gav mig engang en cykel under betingelsen, at jeg bar cykelhjelm. Stædigt takkede jeg nej. Jeg ville hellere gå, indtil jeg selv havde skrabet penge sammen til en cykel uden tilbehør. Australien er også et forfængeligt og frihedssøgende folkefærd, der har oplevet næsten en halvering i antal af cyklister efter lovkravet om at bære cykelhjelm.
Hvor kommer denne hjelm-fobi fra? 7 år af mit liv har jeg personligt tilbragt med en hjelm på hovedet. En ridehjelm. Og ikke sådan en smart lille sag, men en kæmpe version med ørebeskyttere, der fik mit hoved til at fylde det samme som hele overkroppen. Jeg kunne aldrig drømme om at ride uden en hjelm, også selvom styrt foregik i savsmuld eller på skovbunden, hvorimod et langt ar pryder panden som souvenir fra et hjelmfrit cykelstyrt.
Min canadiske veninde spurgte engang: ”Why do the Danes dress up to go bike riding?” Det gør vi nu heller ikke, vi lader bare være med at ændre vores påklædning for at cykle, da det er lige så naturligt for os som at gå, pille næse og tage bussen.
Men måske er det faktisk en god idé at cykle med frit flagrende hår? Ifølge en engelsk trafikforsker kører bilister nemlig ni centimeter tættere på folk med cykelhjelm, mens de holder ekstra afstand til kvinder! Alligevel mener Cyklistforbundet, at seks ud af ti hovedskader kan undgås, hvis alle spænder hjelmen.
Man siger, at hjernen er den eneste software, der ikke kan erstattes. En veninde har kronisk hjernerystelse efter en ulykke for 6 år siden. Hun kan ikke læse eller skrive uden at blive dårlig, og hendes personlige historie burde være nok til, at keglekrigeren her fik hovedbeskyttelse, men måske man først bliver påpasselig efter skade, eller når man får børn og skal være et (uskønt) forbillede?
Hul i hovedet. Ja måske. Men hånden på eget hoved … bruger du cykelhjelm?
Urban Klumme
Læs også: Ikke færre uheld med hjelm
Gemt i Klumme | 4 kommentarer »
10. januar 2010
Ham: “Skat! Det er dig, der er den bedste klummeskribent i Danmark lige nu, ikke?” Sagt i et selvfølgeligt toneleje.
Kærlighed gør blind. I like it!
I fredags fandt jeg hans bideskinne i min taske på arbejdet. Den må være faldet i. Jeg havde næsten lyst til at tage den i munden. Synes den var sexet. Så er man ramt…
Gemt i Spacemermaid | 2 kommentarer »
10. januar 2010
Jeg sad og bandede min underbo langt væk, fordi hun hørte højt og dårligt musik. Indtil jeg fandt ud af, at musikken kom fra min egen radio, som var indstillet på NOVA FM og skruet næsten helt ned. Flot!
Gemt i Spacemermaid | Ingen kommentarer »
9. januar 2010
I dag var jeg ude og gå med veninde. Jeg har prøvet at finde min vens grav før. Han døde lige før jul, alt for tidligt, men jeg har ikke kunnet finde den. I dag fandt vi den.
Så stod jeg der og kiggede på en gravplads med blomster, der var frosne i sneen og kunne ikke mærke noget. Det var bare ikke ham, ikke der, ikke allerede. Men nu hvor jeg er hjemme, så krakelerer jeg langsomt. Føj, hvor gør det ondt og hvor er det uretfærdigt.
Han var ikke på kirkegården, men ved parken, på gaden og så mange steder.
Så mærkeligt at han er væk for altid. Jeg kan ikke rumme det og beholder hans nummer i min telefon.
Min farfar siger, at jeg skal lade sjælen hvile og komme videre i teksten. Det er lettere sagt end gjort. Et ordsprog siger, at sorg er hjemløs kærlighed. Det er så sandt.
Gemt i Spacemermaid | 4 kommentarer »
8. januar 2010
”Er du klar over, at din pladsbestilling er til en familiekupé?” Manden ved skranken ser ud som om, at han lige har spurgt, hvorfor jeg har valgt at begå selvmord med en håndgranat. Hans udtryk giver mig sug i maven, der ikke skyldtes tiltrækning, men frygten for det fremmede.
Som en slags antropolog på feltarbejde har jeg kun flygtigt bevæget mig ind på ukendt område i Intercity-tog, da jeg studerede i Odense. Jeg risikerede tinnitus og er blevet beriget med rosiner i nakken, når jeg hastede igennem familieområdet i håb om at finde ét toilet uden strint på brættet. Indrømmet, jeg har det med familiekupeer som med de tidligere rygekupeer, hvor man trak vejret dybt, før man stormede frygtsomt igennem.
Forældre befinder sig lidt i samme kategori som hundeejere. Der er tale om sådan nogle typer, der har mistet dømmekraften og mener, at det er ok, at Samuel eller Samson overskrider fremmede menneskers grænser igennem larm eller nærkontakt med snuder.
I juleferien skulle jeg så selv være en del af dette uhyrlige menageri. Min kæreste har børn, og der er tale om fantastiske og livlige eksemplarer af slagsen. Desværre fik vi fejlagtigt pladsbilletter i en standardkupé den ene vej!
Børnene opførte sig dog eksemplarisk (når man ser bort fra et enkelt indbyrdes mordforsøg). Der var lege, munter snak og grin. Min bog og computer lå urørt i tasken, for aldrig har en togtur igennem landet gået så hurtigt. Det var som at observere en meget spændende film begået af små nisser, der bød op til dans.
Måske var det derfor, at det ramte mig som en knytnæve uden indledende kampmanøvrer, da jeg mærkede bebrejdende ’Få styr på jeres børn’-blikke. Jeg så forvirret fra dem til mine dejlige medpassagerer, der sad ved vinduet og havde travlt med at tælle kirker og heste. Ja, de var engagerede og har sopran-stemmer, men hvordan kunne deres grin og eksistens dog forstyrre andre i en sådan grad? Det var en øjenåbner.
Næste gang lille Ida falsk synger ”Jeg ved en lærkerede” otte gange i træk, så lover jeg at smile overbærende. Hvem ved, måske man endda kan tillade sig et uventet grineflip, for der findes faktisk intet morsommere end små mennesker, hvis man lytter godt efter.
En bekendts barn udbrød f.eks. efter have hørt om finanskrisens konsekvenser: “Hvem er egentlig ham Kong Kurs?” mens en anden spurgte: ”Lesbiske – er det sådan en slags hun-bøsser?”
Gemt i Klumme | 5 kommentarer »
19. december 2009
December er stoppet til randen med æbler og svesker, hovedpinepiller, snaps og sylte, men mest af alt med følelser. Julen er familiens og hjerternes fest og rummer både kærlighed og dens syge fætter – savn og ensomhed.
Ingen måned er så hudløs som denne, og brok kilder gerne i halsen. Derfor gælder det om at mindes det gode, når energien er taget på tidlig juleferie.
Det er jul…
• Når kollegaen proklamerer, at der er kvajebajer til alle, der kommer hjem fra julefrokost uden chlamydia!
• Når far brokker sig over det skæve og høje grantræ for så at hente en sav og skære løs i toppen, til det med stjernen på ligner en snemand uden hals, men mor siger, at det er blevet meget flottere nu.
• Når veninden uset propper ens taske fuld af pebernødder (der efterlader krummer i læbepomaden) fordi hun ved, at man har brug for opmuntring.
• Når der er lavet frugtsalat uden flødeskum for at passe på onkels blodtryk, og han erklærer, at hvis han nogensinde skal drukne, så skal det være i grønlangkål.
• Når fætter presses med til julegudstjeneste og forundret hvisker: ”Hvis Gud eksisterer, hvorfor er der så ikke trådløst internet i kirken?”
• Når man fletter julehjerter til ”Last Christmas”, og sidemanden ufrivilligt komisk synger: ”Ass of a lover with a foreigners heart - a man under the cover, but you tore Mie apart.”
• Når kæresten holder en længere tale om, hvorfor gås er finere end and, og familien passioneret diskuterer (som var det et vigtigt punkt på Klimatopmødet), hvorvidt kirsebærsovsen skal være varm eller kold, og om gaverne i pakkeleg skal pakkes ud før eller efter, uret ringer.
• Når Luciabruden går sin karakteristiske stødgang med ild i håret.
• Når farmor betænksomt spytter sin mandel diskret ned i sin søns portion risalamande, og han udbryder ”Fy for helvede!”
• Når farfar får en julegave og alle, der roser den, mødes af spørgsmålet: ”Vil du have den?”
Forleden sad jeg overfor to mænd på vej hjem fra en julefrokost i toget. Nordmanden var allerede ”fuldesyg”, som vores nordiske naboer kalder det, når tømmermændene rammer. Responsen lød: ”ALLE er julesyge i december.”
Men måske julesyge ikke er det værste, man kan have? Glædelig jul!
Urban klumme
Gemt i Klumme | Ingen kommentarer »
11. december 2009
Forskræk den du elsker
Hvad er du bange for? Jeg er personligt overbevist om, at enhver hund er ude på at æde mig - også små pudler og gravhunde! Og selv om min frygt måske virker irrationel, så er den dybtfølt.
Forleden sad jeg alene i lejligheden i egne tanker, da jeg pludselig hørte en hund gø fra hvad, der lød som køkkenet. Jeg stivnede, og alle celler i min krop frøs. Nakkehårene fik rejsning, og jeg overvejede at hoppe ud af vinduet (fra 4. sal), men kunne ikke røre mig.
Køteren bjæffede igen, og så lykkedes det mig at styrte imod hoveddøren for at tage flugten. Dér på den anden side med fingeren i dørsprækken sad min kæreste på hug med et snedigt udtryk i ansigtet. Han havde simpelthen skræmt livet af mig for sjov ved at gø som en hund! Tårerne sprang frem og så begyndte jeg at råbe, for hele min krop sitrede stadig af skræk.
Næste dag tog jeg hævn ved at springe frem fra bag en dør og råbe ”BØH”. Og hvor er det en fryd at gøre andre bange. Da jeg gemte mig for ham og lå der krummet sammen i 3 minutters spænding og ventede på det helt rigtige tidspunkt, fnes jeg konstant og huskede alle de gange, hvor min bror har været udsat for lignende overraskelsesangreb.
Har du ikke også gjort samme manøvre, da mælketænderne befolkede din mund? Der ligger kærlighed bag torturen, og du skal slet ikke have det dårligt over at give dine nærmeste små chok, faktisk er vi med til at holde hinanden i live på den måde ved at skærpe vores sanser! Frygt er en stærk og primitiv menneskelig følelse. Det fortæller os, at der er fare, og det var vigtigt for at holde vores forgængere i live.
Når vi bliver konfronteret med fare, reagerer vores kroppe med at svede, mens hjertet danser jitterbug og opøver et adrenalin kick. Kroppen gør sig simpelthen klar til at kæmpe eller at flygte. I psykologien taler man om et ”fight, flight, freeze”-mønster. Først kæmper du, hvis du ikke kan klare situationen, så flygter du, og hvis du ikke har nogen steder at flygte hen, så fryser du. Denne biokemiske reaktion er uundværlig for at kunne håndtere pressede situationer.
Så lov mig at forskrække én, du holder af i dag – bare fordi det er jul. Det gør så godt.
Urban klumme
**Ps. I fik den sande version af, hvordan jeg forskrækkede i sidste indlæg. Var bare bange for, at det virkede urealistisk i klummen. Life is stranger than fiction 
Gemt i Klumme | Ingen kommentarer »
9. december 2009
Igår: Jeg bliver P… BANGE, da en hund begynder at gø i min lejlighed. Indtil jeg undersøger nærmere (skal til at flygte) og opdager, at min kæreste sidder ude på gangen og gør igennem brevsprækken!
I dags hævn: Jeg lister op af trapperne og hvisker ind af brevsprækken hans største hadeobjekt: FACIST. Og så var det hans tur til at blive så bange, han skreg.
Og sådan hygger folk sig i parforhold.
Gemt i Spacemermaid | 5 kommentarer »
7. december 2009
Stine Bjerregaard har skrevet et speciale om blogs, der hedder “Jeg skriver, der for er jeg”, som netop har fået karakteren 12
Her sættes Spacemermaid og Singletons brug af bloggen blandt andet op i mod hinanden, da vi pt er de eneste danskere, der har udgivet blooks (blog som romaner) og begge skriver i chicklit genren.
Det kan downloades her!
Gemt i At blogge | 6 kommentarer »
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